A Confederacy of Dunces

“Teacher, I don’t like this novel,” Waleed said to me as soon as I walked into classroom catching me a little off guard.

“Whaddya mean? I love this novel. It’s hilarious,” I said with honest enthusiasm. “Didn’t you read the chapter last night?”

“Yeah,” he assured me, “but the vocabulary was very difficult.” Shaking his head he continued, “I had stop and look up words all the time. It’s really hard to understand.”

“Well,” it was time for me to sound like a teacher, “Like I said at the beginning of the semester,” I began enunciating every word, “I recommend not stopping to look up every word, just get the main idea. You can always mark words and go back later to read certain parts again that were confusing.”

“Yeah, but…” he wasn’t having any of it.

I had to think fast and try to diffuse the situation. “Give me an example. What’s so difficult?”

“Ok, what is ‘stool’?”

“Stool?” I questioned with a crinkled brow of confusion.

“Yeah, in the chapter last night it talks about Ignatius sitting on stool. I don’t understand.”

“Oh, yeah!” I was getting really excited again and began speaking at normal speed again. “That’s one of my favorite parts of the book! Mr. Gonzalez gives Ignatius a stool with wheels to help him reach the lower drawers. Big ‘ole Ignatius sits on the stool like an eggplant on a thumbtack,” I said using grand hand gestures and started to sense some level of comprehension from Waleed.

“As soon as he tries to wheel around the floor, he falls off and starts screaming that he broke his back,” I continued building momentum. “Help! Help!” I started screaming and trying to imitate Ignatius’ pompous pain, and Waleed started to brighten up a little.

“Then, that nutty, senile Miss Trixie comes in and doesn’t even notice Ignatius wallowing around on the floor and steps on him!” Now, I could see a smile.

“Next thing ya know, Ignatius pulls Miss Trixie down onto the floor and the boss walks in!” Waleed exploded into hysterics and had to hide his face in his hands. I think I even saw him wipe away tiny tear.

“Oh… well… when you explain it like that, I understand,” he confessed as the confusion came back to cloud his face. “But what is stool?”

I looked at him cockeyed. “Uh?”

In all seriousness, Waleed looked me in the eye. “When I go to the doctor, I have to give a stool sample,” he stated while holding out his cupped hand in front of my face for emphasis.

“Stool is sh*t, yes? I don’t understand. I hate this book.”

CoExisT

“So, when was the last time you saw a 3D movie?” I asked them trying to make some light conversation.

A little puzzled by the question, “Never,” Humaid answered in a thick Middle Eastern accent.

“Really? Howwa ‘bout an IMAX movie? Are you familiar with IMAX?” I asked them.

“Uh?.... What is IMAX meaning?” Saeed asked in a sheepish, somewhat broken, naïve tone.

“Ah, man! It’s a really, big, huge screen,” I tried to explain while making sweeping hand gestures and accidentally nudged the fella next to me. “I’m really, sorry,” I grinned at him, unable to contain my excitement.

“It’s ah-right,” the New Englander smiled back as his wife chimed in, “Yeah, ‘dis is like ah concert. Some lady ah-ready yelled at us for breaking in line.”

“I saw people scalping tickets out front.”

“Da only thing missin’ is beeah.”

“They have beer,” I quickly interjected and motioned to the concession stand.

Without hesitation, the husband scurried through the packed lobby to the popcorn line like an overeager teenager to pick up two Buds in a bottle.

“This is really crazy, uh.” I said to the wife while her husband was paying for the beer. “I teach English at Northeastern, and I’m here with a few of my students. They’ve never even heard of U2.”

The woman looked a little befuddled and then, clearly as excited as I was, peered over my shoulder to my students and blurted out, “Ya guys are gonna love it! I heaah the Edge’s guitar comes off da screen and ya can almost touch it!”

Blank stares.

Just then, the happy husband came back and handed his honey a beer.

I seized the chance to ask my students another question, “Do ya’ll drink beer?”

“No… never,” Humaid said stoically.

“Ah… only wine,” I joked, which drew a couple nervous smiles and shifty glances from them just as the theater doors opened and the line started to snake through the lobby.

“Say,” the happy husband began, “ where are you guys from?”

Saeed and Humaid replied almost in unison, “We’re from Dubai.”

“Oh… I know where that is. It’s…. ahhhh….. ummmm…. United ….. Emirates…..” his unassured voice trailed off as the orderly cue crept forward. “That’s a rich country.”

“Yes… we have oil,” Humaid said dubiously.

I was happy to see my students engage in a spontaneous conversation, but as soon as we crossed the threshold of the theater doors, my focus shifted to the scamble for seats as close to center as we could get.

Not long after getting situated in front of the 65-foot screen, we got two big thumbs up from the beer drinking couple two rows behind us.

The lights went down, the screen popped out, and the surround sound cranked up.

After a couple songs, the leather clad Bono began sporting a CoExisT headband while banging a snare drum to the opening march of Sunday Bloody Sunday. As he began to ask the question, “How long must we sing this song?” water droplets came flying off the screen and the oceans of 3D people in the crowd waved and melded into the theater audience almost seamlessly.

Humaid leaned over to me and whispered, “It’s like truth.”

I grinned ear to ear.

In Humaid's limited English ability, he just said a whole lot.

I sat back in my chair and thought to myself, "Peace be with Bono and you too."

My New Job

I’m pleased to announce that I recently accepted a job with Northeastern University in Boston, MA.

Two classmates from SIT (Shei & Yukari) and I will begin teaching in the English Language Center just after Labor Day. I will teach an Advanced Reading course that will cover The Great Gatsby and Lord of the Flies, as well as an Intermediate Composition course.

Needless to say, I’m very excited about moving to Boston, and I hope that many friends and family will come visit in the near future.

Please get in touch.